mean girls, they start so young

A conversation with a cousin of Chris' (who has two daughters, 5 and 7) prompted this post. Chloe, the 7 year old is in kindergarten and is already being teased about clothes, hair, etc. I'm sure teasing has been happening for pretty much forever, but now that I have a daughter I am super sensitive to the thought that in just a few short years, girls could be bullying her. So how does one keep their child from being bullied (or becoming a bully?) I'm sure most involved parents would shudder to think their sweet innocent kindergardener could be the one tormenting his or her friends. I think a lot of it is in the attitude of the parents. Just the thought of sweet Chloe getting made fun of took me back to elementary school and the countless times I cried over not getting invited to a slumber party or birthday bash. A lesson learned in my Mom 2 Mom group this year is really resonating with me "remind your kids whose they are and whom they belong to." I think it is so important to instill self-confidence from a Godly perspective at a very young age. If I can teach Johanna to love herself because she is loved, perhaps I can at least protect her from the bullies that may await. It's also important as a mother, to speak kindly of others, building up instead of knocking down friends or family members. I know you can't protect your children from everything-but mean girls get their start so young (think toddlers and tiaras.) However, it's encouraging to know that you can start to build good character traits and self-esteem at any time! I hope I can be that kind of Mom.

a much needed update

How sad I am that my blogging has been reduced to not even monthly! That is no way to gain or keep readers-and I know I do have a few VIP reading my blog :-) So please, from the bottom of my heart, accept my thousandth apology for not being consistent with blogging. How the few months have flown by! Johanna Mae will be 4 months on Sunday, January 24th. I can't believe it. Every day she grows and does something to surprise me. The other day our cat Ami decided to tight-rope walk across her crib railing, and she giggled at him! It was so cute! (She, of course, was NOT in the crib at the time!) I keep the kitties out when she's in there, but we were just finishing a feeding sitting in the rocker.
We spent almost a month in Nebraska for Christmas and miss family TERRIBLY now that we're back in Nashville. We are praying that someday God will lead us back there to raise our family- I personally never knew I would feel this way so soon, but I am missing it.
Johanna's colic is significantly better, though now we have trouble getting her to sleep at night! She will sleep one 5, or occasionally 6 or 7, hour stretch at night, but it takes almost an hour and a half for her to settle in. I feel bad because for that first hour or so, she wakes every 20 minutes crying. We've tried everything but usually resort to giving her her pacifier over and over and over until she FINALLY gives in and sleeps. Ahh, I hate that.
Yesterday, she rolled over from her stomach to her back and it seemed like she actually "figured out" how to do it. She could do it before, but I could kinda see the little "I get it" light bulb appear. It was cool, and she did it to both sides! I am envisioning a day in the near future where she army crawls- wow what a change that will be!
We had a few friends come and help us repaint our kitchen last weekend in preparation (over the next few months) of putting our house on the market. We want to become renters again until we know where we want to be-and if its in the Nashville area, we'd love to be closer to church. Johanna and I try to go to Mom to Mom every Tuesday, but church is 45 minutes away and sometimes it just doesn't work.
I've learned so much being a new mom.

Here is this month's list of things I've found both difficult and joyful in no particular order:
I am ALWAYS tired. Usually I get no more than 2 or 3 uninterrupted hours of sleep at a time
I LIVE for the times Johanna giggles at me
I LOVE to read books to her, and especially when she "reads to me" while I am reading
The dog really does drive me crazy at times like everyone said
This house is NOT conducive to our lifestyle right now
The laundry is NEVER done
Things are NEVER put away
Dinner is rarely planned and it's difficult to grocery shop
Breastfeeding is the most rewarding and hardest thing at the same time
I cannot let my baby CIO
I also do not have the capacity to be everything to my baby
My husband is an AMAZING daddy
I LOVE cloth diapering
And most importantly...
GOD hears me when I call

Here are some of my favorite pictures from the past 2 months...and I am going to try so much harder to post frequently! I have to chronicle this crazy life!

my sweetie

Oh, how I love her smiles!

Currently Reading: The Vaccine Book, Dr. Sears

I'm not saying that I'm against vaccines, because in my opinion they all have importance in the grand scheme of things...and I do believe it is important to keep the population of the United States free of diseases that once ravaged the country. However, as a stay-at-home mom who is exclusively breastfeeding...i have some decisions to make regarding the schedule with which to vaccinate Johanna. Ahh, I hate making these decisions. I am glad someone has come out with a fairly un-biased opinion on vaccines and the recommended vaccine schedule. I am definitely going to delay some vaccines-in fact I already rejected the Hep B vaccine routinely given at the hospital to newborns, due to the fact that it is impossible at this point, for Johanna to contract Hep B (a sexually transmitted disease, also acquired through shared IV drug needles, and VERY rarely blood transfusions.) I am definitely concerned about preservatives such as formaldehyde, as well as the amount of aluminum found in vaccines. I hope I make the right decisions in vaccinating our baby girl, but I highly recommend this book to ALL parents making these important decisions, not just for their babies, but growing children as well.

birth announcement

i can't send these to everyone, but thankfully I have this digital copy to share :-)

one month ago today

My sweet girl,
One month ago today, you entered my world (well you'd been with me technically longer) but you made your grand entrance and I got to see your beautiful face. I can't believe it's already been a month! Time truly is passing so quickly, and even though I'm more exhausted than I've ever been...I am trying my best to cherish every minute that your hands and feet are this tiny...because I know one day soon I'll have to run to keep up with you. Even now, as you sit hiccuping on daddy's chest...getting frustrated that you can't shake them, I hope you know how much I love you and how thankful I am that God gave you to me!

our birth story

On September 24, 2009, God blessed us with a beautiful, healthy, perfect baby girl. Johanna Mae Lawson, 7 lbs 4 oz, 19 inches long. I cannot believe it's almost been a week since my life completely changed. It feels like a whirlwind. I'm caught in a mix of crazy emotions, trying to remember each and every moment up until now. It's unbelievable how sleep deprivation doesn't hinder your desire to care for your child. I never thought I could survive on such a small amount of sleep.

At 6:50 PM on Tuesday, September 22, my water broke. I was standing near the oven, cooking some dinner, and it just happened. I was in disbelief at first...thinking, could this be it? So I called the midwife on call, who happened to be my midwife Linda, who said I should come in to the clinic in the morning to verify. I had been having irregular contractions for two days before, but they were coming every 7-20 or even 30 minutes apart. I figured they were just Braxton Hicks. I was praying all night long that they'd pick up, so I wouldn't have to worry about augmenation with Pitocin. After a sleepless night, I still wasn't having any regular contractions by morning. I decided to hold off going to the clinic until after lunch, to buy myself more time. We headed to the eye doctor to pick up my new glasses before heading downtown. (Hey, I wanted my new glasses!) Thank GOD we packed our bags on Sunday!

After arriving at West End Women's Clinic, they hooked me up for a non-stress test to monitor Johanna and to see my contractions. Linda checked and said I was 4 cm dialated, 75% effaced, and contracting every 3-4 minutes. We decided we would just head over to Vanderbilt Medical Center to labor there, because we didn't want to drive all the way home. Knowing I needed to be in active labor by 7 pm (they give you 24 hours from the time your water breaks to get things going) we met our doula Annie at the hospital and began to walk the halls to get labor moving. By 7pm, the on-call midwife came in to check me, which revealed I hadn't progressed from the 4cm I arrived at. After a good cry, I realized I had no choice but to accept augmentation with Pitocin. It was a huge deviation from my birth plan, but the risk of infection after 24 hours is really great and I just knew we needed to have her soon. Chris and I prayed, and talked and agreed we would be OKAY! The nurse agreed to start slow, at 2 units and said we would work our way up every 30-45 minutes. Terrified, I prayed God would give me strength to withstand the Pitocin without further intervention. There were so many times I felt I couldn't go on, but Chris and Annie were amazing and kept telling me "Beck, you're doing it!" I began pushing around 3 AM (well, I think anyway...we took the clock down) and I kept asking "how much longer? how much longer?" The only response I was given was "soon, very soon." I felt like I had no strength left, but somehow God gave me the strength to make it through it, and our beautiful amazing daughter was born naturally, without drugs, at 4:38 AM Thursday morning. All I could think was "we did it!" It was the most empowering feeling knowing that my body did what God created it to do...and joining the ranks of generations past who've done the same. I'm just so thankful we were able to have the experience of natural childbirth and so thankful to God for giving me the strength to do it.

Happy Birthday my love!

Introducing Johanna Mae Lawson. Born 9/24/2009 at 4:38 AM. 7 lbs. 4 oz. 19 inches long. She is amazing. I can't believe how good God is. Praise Him for his amazing creation!

less than 2 weeks...but she'll come when she wants!

People keep asking what my "due date" is, and it's getting somewhat exhausting to explain to people that traditionally "due dates" are just an arbitrary number that was developed by doctors in the early 1900's to describe what they thought was the "correct gestation" period of a typical fetus. We prefer to call it our "guess date". What research shows is that average gestation time for a first time mom is 41 weeks 1 day....AVERAGE! Which means that people go longer and shorter. Unfortunately, many babies are considered "late" after 40 weeks and unnecessary inductions take place as a result. Sadly, inductions lead to increases in epidurals, failure to progress, cesarean sections, and other unnecessary complications. Also, so many people are induced due to "suspected big babies" but there is no research to show that this is necessary or accurate. Read a great article about big babies HERE.
There is virtually no way to tell how big a baby will be in utero, nor are ultrasounds an accurate description or weight or size (they can be off by 2 lbs. in either direction!) My heart really goes out to people who are uninformed, and scared into unnecessary induction due to having a "big baby."
I feel so blessed to be working with a midwife, who will not even speak of induction until I near 42 weeks, nor pressure me to have my baby. I feel relaxed and confident that my baby will come when she's ready. I finally packed my bags last night, and I am slowly getting things done. I know not everything will be done before she arrives, but honestly I'm okay with that. I'm excited about letting labor happen naturally, and am looking forward to finally meeting my daughter in the near future...whenever she decides to come. Can't wait to introduce her to the world!

All glory to Him!

After waiting not so patiently, I finally called the midwife on-call one day to DEMAND answers....and what do you know...the lab had rushed the results of the serum bile test. My levels were low and I am free to continue with my original childbirth plan! Praise GOD! Apparently they didn't call because they figured I would think "no news is good news". Do they know me????? Seriously. I am so relieved, and the itching isn't nearly as bad now as it was two weeks ago. They said there are a small number of people who do not fit into the ICP category but have unexplained itching in pregnancy without a rash. I guess pregnancy can just do really weird things to your body. Though they said it was good I had the tests run because usually itching without a rash does signal ICP. What an answer to prayer. I know a lot of you have been praying for us, and I want to say with all my heart, your prayers were felt. I know that God listens and hears our petitions and this was definitely an answer to prayer!
Love to you all!